Marriage Mystery Revealed Part 2

This is the second installment of the entry I posted recently on marriage. Again, these are the highlights of the marriage retreat my husband and I attended recently in a sister church, CCF Las Pinas.



 

Mending the Gaps

A study was conducted regarding the differences between men and women. The study also revealed the differences in the needs of both men and women.

Needs of Men: 

1. Sexual Fulfillment

2. Recreational Companionship

3. A Good-looking Wife (seriously?)

Needs of Women:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and Openness

At times, unmet needs are the source of conflict in relationships or marriages. These conflicts when not brought out in the open or resolved, could be barriers in communication. What then are the other barriers to communication?

First, it's not knowing the differences between the needs of your spouse. Men and women are total opposites. Women are organized, talkative, people-oriented, see the details, put things in order while men are disorganized, use few words, goal-oriented, see the big picture and scatter things. These differences are not absolute truths about men and women, there are a lot of women who are clutter-bugs while there are men who TALK a lot!

Second barrier, is having unresolved conflicts. I believe most of the unresolved conflicts arise from unmet needs. For example, because of the natural tendency of men to keep to themselves and not talk about "things" with their wives, they become cold, distant. The wives in turn, would be wondering and bombarding the husband with questions. Soon, conflict would arise only because issues were not resolved right away.

Third is taking each other for granted. The wife could be too focused on the kids that they unintentionally neglect the poor husband. The exciting honeymoon stage fizzles out as soon as kids are born. Somehow the wife gets preoccupied with the new baby that hubby feels left out and unwanted. That's why it is necessary for the husband and wife to continue to devote their time to each other. Having babies should not be the cause of conflict in the marriage. It should solidify the bond of the husband and wife. Because as the child grows up, he or she would look up to his or her parents as role models when he or she has her own family in the future.

Another barrier to communication is bitterness. It is said that bitterness is a crushing mental attitude which triggers a wide variety of other sins. Bitterness only means unforgiveness and this will rob the marriage of stability. I like what the speaker said about forgivness, that it is a lubricant that reduces the friction between husband and wife. 


The prophet Hosea was given as an example. Hosea was a prophet of God yet his wife became unfaithful, in fact, she became a prostitute. But despite what the wife has done to Hosea, he forgave her and welcomed her back. This kind of love shown by Hosea is the kind of love God shows us. We are unfaithful to God. We are sinners who love our sin. But wherever our sin has led us, God still calls us to come back to Him. He still runs after us. He loves us no matter what we have done. All He wants is for us to come to Him and turn our back on our sin and follow Him. He says in Jeremiah 31:34

No longer will they teach their neighbor,
    or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
    from the least of them to the greatest,”
declares the Lord.
“For I will forgive their wickedness
    and will remember their sins no more. Jeremiah 31:34

So how do we mend the gaps in our marriage?

1. Show genuine interest in your spouse.

2. Build relationships. We should not find time,  but we need to make time for your spouse.

3. Demonstrate a willingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As Jesus said in Matthew 18:21-22, our forgiveness knows no limit.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

4. We should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

Marriage Mystery Revealed Part 1

Living with a person who is an opposite of me is  not easy. Imagine putting two different individuals in one roof. Two individuals each with their own unique characteristics who came from different family backgrounds and make them stick together till forever.

My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have gained a handful of very special married friends too.  These couples who have been married longer than us have become our spiritual mothers and fathers. I could not count the number of blessings God has given us because of these friends. And one the best blessings we got recently was a one-day marriage retreat. This was totally unexpected from a couple we just met not so long ago.

I would like to share part 1 of the Marriage Mystery Revealed Retreat last July 28, 2012 at CCF Las Pinas.

¹⁸ Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper^[a]suitable for him.” ¹⁹  Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the ^[b]sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the ^[c]sky, and to every beast of the field, but for ^[d]Adam there was not found a helper ^[e]suitable for him. ²¹ So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. ²² The Lord God ^[f]fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. ²³ The man said,

“ This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
^[g]She shall be called ^[h]Woman,
Because ^[i]she was taken out of ^[j]Man.”

²⁴  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  Genesis 2:18-24

• God is not only the designer of marriage, He is also the builder. It was God who instituted the first marriage between Adam and Eve and His plan was wonderful. Until the serpent deceived Eve which led to their sin against their creator.


• The principle of "Leave and Cleave". When marriage happens, the husband and the wife must leave their previous relationships, which refer to the relationship with their respective parents. This simply means when the couple agrees to get married, whatever decisions they make must be dependent on each other and not on the decision of their parents. Parents can only give advice but the final say should be from the couple themselves.


• To cleave to one another or to join connotes commitment to develop a deep and loving relationship with one another. It becomes a commitment, a pledge and a decision to stay together no matter what.


• Because they become one flesh, they should not be separated. God hates divorce, he says so in Malachi 2:16.

3  In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, ² as they observe your chaste and ^[a]respectful behavior. ³  Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; ⁴ butlet it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. ⁵ For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; ⁶ just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right ^[b] without being frightened by any fear.⁷  You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with ^[c]someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:1-7

• Wives being submissive does not only connote following the husband and submitting to whatever he says. Submission also means respecting the husband. By not talking down to him. By not using sarcasm to make a point. By being careful in our speech.


• Husbands should not look at his wife as someone inferior because he is God's appointed spiritual leader instead the husband should care for the welfare of the wife. He should make sure she is protected, she is loved and is growing spiritually. If he choose to ignore the needs of his wife, it says in 1 Peter, his prayers would not be heard.


• God is the architect of marriage and husbands and wife should refer to the architects blueprint, the bible in order to complete the marital journey.


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